So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
