Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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