The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
