can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
