just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
