you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
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The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
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My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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