you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
