you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
