That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
