The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
