I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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