your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Im just a social blackout drinker.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
