I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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