In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
