I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
