A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
