I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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