: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
