remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
