I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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