So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
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I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
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He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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