no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
