Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
