I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Randomize
