He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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