Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
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I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
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I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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