so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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