you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
