I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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