Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
