I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
