he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
