took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
