I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
