we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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