My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
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We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
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Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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