How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
