About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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