I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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