When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
