my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
