I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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