Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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