my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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