Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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