You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
