I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
