Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
