she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
