I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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