The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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