You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I look better un-naked...
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
