My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
