And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
