No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
