so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
smell my finger.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
